So, I am a 25 year old living in a foreign country.  I plan to return to the states soon and go to graduate school.  I have a boyfriend, but things aren’t going that well between us.
I have had feelings for girls since high school- unrequited crushes and such.  The first girl I really liked, actually… we would make out and I really liked her a lot (the cliché- best friend turned girlfriend).  Anyway, in retrospect she used me for attention and affection and I realize now that she mostly made out with me when we were in public to get attention from guys.  I followed that up with dating guys I didn’t really like for short periods, while maintaining long term feelings for a certain girl.  Since then, I have had crushes on girls on and off.  Whenever I become intimate emotionally with a girl, I start to have urges to become physically intimate as well.  I am (I think) attracted to men, though they cannot seem to maintain my interest for more than a couple of months before I dump them.
I guess to get the point- I am so confused.  I haven’t ever actually had true romantic relationship with a girl, but I really want one.  I am terrified of being rejected.  I don’t want to hurt anyone (what if it turns out I’m not into girls after all?).  Am I bi, am I lesbian, am I crazy?
I have lesbian friends, but I just… I don’t feel comfortable talking with them about this, mostly due to fear and ego, I think.  I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs, not due to religious convictions but rather past experiences.  Most of the advice I have seen on the internet on this topic has come in the form of “Go to a lesbian bar, smile at someone, buy them a drink or accept a drink from them, and then have sex- easy peasy”.  I don’t feel that this approach is healthy for me- I don’t like the person I am when I’m not sober.  Any other suggestions?

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Hot:

Think Big and Live Large at Creating Change in Dallas, Texas!
The 22nd National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change
The 22nd National Conference on LGBT Equality: Creating Change will be held at the Sheraton Dallas Hotel in beautiful downtown Dallas, Texas, Feb. 3 – 7, 2010. Produced by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the Creating Change Conference (as it is affectionately known) is the nation’s pre-eminent political, leadership and skills-building conference for the LGBT social justice movement. Since 1988, Creating Change has been the opportunity for thousands of committed people to develop and hone their skills, celebrate victories, build community, and to be inspired by visionaries of our LGBT movement and allied movements for justice and equality.
The primary goal of the Creating Change Conference is to build our movement’s political power from the ground up to secure our overarching goal of full equality, social justice and dignity for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the United States.
Please join us!
Upwards of 2000 people attend the Creating Change Conference from all over the United States, with a few attendees from other countries. Attendees include:

people just like you who are creating change every day
young and old activists
organizers and activists of color
paid and unpaid staff people at LGBT political or community organizations
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender advocates and straight allies
elected and appointed officials
leaders of campus communities and local community centers.

Creating Change is an annual gathering of organizers and activists working to create a world in which our sexual orientations and gender expressions will be welcomed and celebrated. Please join us in Dallas, Feb. 3 – 7, 2010!

Similar Posts:

The Lesbian Community Care Project
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iQreport Makes Debut at National Equality March
tying our stories to the bigger picture

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Here’s a fun one for you. Which of these two quotes was made by a witness for the plaintiffs, and which by a witness for the defense, in the federal trial to overturn California’s Prop 8?
“I believe that adopting same-sex marriage would be likely to improve the well-being of gay and lesbian households and their children.”

“For a significant number of [children with same-sex parents], their adjustment would be promoted were their parents able to get married.”

Stumped? I explore these quotes and some of the differences between the two witnesses in a piece over at Keen News Service.

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I am now 18 and have always had crushes on boys. I can imagine having sex with boys and that doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I’m still a virgin but I guess I won’t have any problem to have sex with the opposite sex.
Yet I am sexually attracted to women most of the time. Like when I masturbate I only get aroused when I picture naked women/girl-on-girl actions. The male body just cannot trigger any sparks in me.
To me, seeking a soulmate or lover has nothing to do with gender. I am usually emotionally attracted to men, but seldom to women (only once or twice). On the other hand I have always been attracted to women sexually.
Is it just because women are more beautiful? Or is it because I am a lesbian (if sexual attraction to women alone and not emotional attraction makes me a lesbian)? Or am I a bisexual? I’m really confused.

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Like most of the other women on here, I’m questioning my sexuality. Except I’ve got it backwards. I’m 17, out as a lesbian in my high school and with my hyper-religious family, but recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m really bi. Or even hetero.
I’ve had crushes on girls since I was five. I’ve really fallen in love once before, honest-to-God love, and it was with a wonderful girl. Women make my heart stop and I can’t help looking at them and wanting to get to know them more, to sit down and talk with them, to touch them. But I don’t really find the traditional hourglass figure, blonde type of girl hot. It’s how she carries herself and how confident she is that turns me on. I find androgyny in a girl incredibly hot. I find power in a girl sexy. Think Xena, or Catherine-Zeta Jones in Chicago, or Elphaba, Shane. Dark and strong.
I’ve never really fallen for a guy–I fell into a bit of a hero worship/boy crush with one once last year. It was the first time I had felt that way about a guy, and it was great, because bi is a helluva a lot more socially acceptable than gay. Except when I actually thought about kissing him, or having sex with him, it was hot, but it also felt plain wrong. Hot and vomit-inducing at the same time. I have no idea why. But I’ve noticed attractive guys and I’ve fantasized sexually about them. I can find a guy arousing; sometimes it’s happened without me trying. It’s just there’s always an underlying feeling of “Ewww, penismangross.” when I start to really think about it.
Most of my friends are guys. I form close relationships with certain girls, but as a whole it’s easier for me to strike up a conversation with a guy than it is for me to talk to a woman. It’s been that way ever since I can remember. I never learned how to understand women when they talk. Girls tend to hint at things and imply what they really mean when they’re talking, and most of the time it goes over my head until days later when I think “Oooh, that’s what she was trying to say.” But with the close female friends I do have, I feel much more bonded to them than the guys. It’s not like I don’t like the guys as friends, I do and I love hanging out with them and playing videogames or talking about music or computers. It’s just there’s not that–thing–there that there is with the girls.
I had a boyfriend junior year. Felt no connection to him emotionally, loved making out with him. It was hot. And then he started to get turned on, and even though I was aroused, very much so, I felt like I was going to throw up. It was like his arms were trapping me and he was revolting but it was hot and I wanted more all at the same time.
We broke up after two months, neither of us liked where it was going.
I never let him get any farther than making out with me, but he never really tried.
That the farthest I’ve ever went with anyone. Total virgin, never even made out with a girl even though I’ve kissed a few at parties and whatnot. (SS kissing: Why Truth or Dare is the best game every invented ;D) Because of the upbringing I’ve always got the feeling in the back of the head that God Hates Homo and even if I am attracted to her I better not tempt her into committing Perverted Acts because than her damnation would be on my soul. I intellectually understand that this is ridiculous and am trying to overcome it, but the gut feeling of Lesbian = Devil Worship is still there and so I’ve never made a move on anyone.
So the start of 2009, senior year, after a particularly bad crush on a girl, I dealt with it. I figured to myself, “Hey, that feeling I’ve had that I was different since ever? All those crushes on girls? All of those not crushes at all on the cute boys I hang out with daily? The fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man? The way I don’t really identify with my gender? I’m a lesbian. Oh dearie me, if only my mom wasn’t Catholic.”
None of my friends were surprised when I told them. Nobody in the entire high school was surprised. My mother flipped out and went into various stages of denial, but she’s a physician and sees a ton of LGB (maybe one or two T) patients so I was never afraid that she would actually kick me out of the house. I met a kickass cute, sweet, funny, les girl through a mutual friend, went on two dates with her, and she didn’t try to kiss me so I didn’t try to kiss her even though I wanted to. I felt electricity the first time I saw her, we hit it off right away and connected in this really freaky way whenever we talked in a way that’s only happened with one or two girls before. It’s like we were sharing a brain, she was like me and really like me in a weird way nobody had ever been like me before.
Then my mom found out and I have no driver’s licence, so I haven’t seen said girl in weeks and my mother is ANGERED. She yelled at me that even if I was a little gay I still was really mostly hetero and needed to work through my father issues to realize this. “I see tons of LGBT in my office, and I know it. You are not gay. You’re just scared of getting hurt by a man.”
I wouldn’t take it seriously, except when I went up to my friends and asked “Hey, I pinged your gaydar and all, right? Because you were all totally not surprised when I came out at all.” The universal answer was… “A little, sometimes, I guess, but I thought you were bi or straight until you said you were a lesbian. It’s not like I was surprised, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you said you were straight or bi either.” And then I asked some impartial adults that I trusted.
Same answer.
So I’m questioning myself, again. Here’s why:

I hate my father. HATE my father. He emotionally abused my mother very badly while I was growing up and it only got worse when I was an adolescent. I understand that he had a hard upbringing and I talk to him more now, he’s paying all the child support on time and even giving me extra cash. I still hate him, almost to an irrational extent. I could be transferring this to other guys when I’m with them sexually and freaking out subconsciously or whatever. If he ever molested me I repressed it beyond all recall, I’ve really tried to think if he had because that would explain the depths of my disgust with him. No memory of it so I’m assuming he didn’t.
My mom is hyper religious and repressive. I’ve always not liked this. Subconsciously rebelling? I hate her narrowmindedness and the conformity of society in general. I tried to fight against it ever since I was little. Maybe I adopted the label too fast as a way of saying “screw you” to her?
I am physically capable of getting turned on by guys. I am. I know this. Penises are helluva scary and gross and like I said nausea seems to be right there with the arousal whenever I think of a naked guy, but there is arousal.
Most of my friends are guys, I get along easier with guys than girls generally. Even if it’s girls that I’m more attracted to.
I am a virgin so what the hell do I know about my sexual orientation anyway?

In retrospect coming out as gay before having an actual gay relationship was sort of an idiotic thing to do, but it wasn’t planned. My friends asked me about it, often, because of how I was always looking and acting around hot girls and one day I got tired of dodging the question and told the truth, or what I thought was the truth, screw whoever knew it. My mom even asked me first, it’s not like I came out to her out of the blue.
Which would be fine except now I am like “Oh wait. Do I like penises?”
So what do you think? I’m not asking you to slap a label on me, but input would be appreciated. Typing it up I sound like a bi girl.
Honestly I want a relationship with a woman. But If I can find a woman in a man’s body I would go for that. Because than I don’t think I’d feel so sick, we’d connect, and I wouldn’t be hated by over half of the general population.
This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.

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[Cross-posted at ENDABlog with a longer title: Rostow: Die, You Working-Class Parasites (Especially Those Who Have the Nerve Not to Live in States That Already Have Gay Rights Laws)]
Yes, it causes the blood to boil.
Yet, it is also nice when the professional gay elite lets down its guard and says what it really thinks.  Case in point: Ann Rostow, yammering in the SF Bay Times:
it is significant, since the topics in a State of the Union are carefully chosen. I’m encouraged that the President decided to focus on the military ban rather than the insipid Employment Nondiscrimination Act, which is now pending in both houses of Congress. When I say “pending,” I mean that the bill has been introduced and heard in some committees or something. I don’t mean that it is about to pass or even scheduled for a vote. ENDA has been kicking around since 1994, and it’s about as useful to 21st century gay rights as a Betamax player.

Here's a little secret for the self-important, overpaid, underworked professional gay elite class: I actually still own a Betamax.
Yes, I also own a VHS, and 8mm handycam and even a DVD recorder.
However, the Betamax actually does still work - but that's actually irrelevant because the most important fact is that, at least at some point in time, it did work: it functioned in the manner that it was supposed to, accomplishing the task of playing pre-recorded Beta videocassettes and recording onto blank ones.
It functioned in the manner that it was supposed to function.
Translation: It accomplished something.
Unlike the self-important, overpaid, underworked professional gay elite class who never actually needed a federal gay rights law even when the concept was a new as the U-Matic.
Thanks, though, for - yet again - showing us your true colors.

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My girl thinks I’m bi because of the way I look and then because I use to be bi a little while ago. She feels as if I can’t grow out of it. But I honestly don’t like guys. Everybody enjoys a nice looking person so if I see a nice looking guy I well look. But it’s the same as looking at beautiful girl. Right? But I really don’t look at people like that because I am in a relationship. It’s just the way I am… Just because I say a certain guy is cute doesn’t mean I’m bi, right?

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Recently, I received a letter from Bill Clinton - Democratic Headquarters
The URL is: http://www.dscc.org/
And there was a blue Business Reply Mail envelope.  More on that, after the jump…
The letter from “Bill” begins, “Dear Friend”, and goes on to list all the nasty Republican lies they need my money to fight — “Pandering to extremists,” “Trying to destroy our president,” “Manipulating the public,” “Blocking progress at every step”…
Well, that's nice and all, but what about stuff that will make a difference to my trans-brothers and -sisters (trans-inclusion in ENDA), and to all Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Transgender (pass inclusive ENDA, eliminate DOMA, DADT, and include same-sex couples in full Marriage Equality)?
The Hate Crimes act is great, but first you have to get injured or killed for it to do you personally any good.  It doesn't stop the on-the-job harassment or firing because others are weirded out by what they choose to categorize as a man-in-a-dress (I pass okay, but while I'm not in-your-face out, it's an open secret I'm trans, and some insist on 'telling the truth' about me.)
Now, on to that Blue return-postage-guranteed envelope, and what I propose to do with it, and any others I receive after it. It's not enough to say that the gAyTM is closed.  If the LGBT community stops giving money, then the Democratic party as a whole will feel less obligation to advocate and champion the issues that matter to us.
The politicians don't see the absence of money if we don't donate.  They just go looking elsewhere.
But that blue business reply envelope presents an opportunity to show how much money they missed.
I'd like to donate $100 dollars — $20 to Transgender Law Center, $20 to National Center for Transgender Equality, $20 to National Center for Lesbian Rights, $20 to EQuality CAlifornia (for their liveblogging of Perry vs. Schwarzenegger,) and $20 to Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.
Copies of the receipts for the donations go into the Business Reply envelope, along with a letter explaining that until I can count on the Democratic Party to be an effective champion for the LGBT issues which concern me, I prefer to donate directly to organizations of proven effectiveness.
Who would you like the Democratic party to know they lost a donation to?

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I posted something a week ago about being confused about my sexuality. Although I am sure of what I want out of life… I was just wondering how you knew you were lesbian, bi or straight? I still struggle with the fact that I dated a girl in college… and am wondering whether or not I am lesbian. My questioning my sexuality post was posted last week and as I mentioned before… I dream about and fantasize about guys…yet am scared of becoming intimate with them. It could be of what happened when I was younger… mixed with a little fear of being judged. I have always pictured myself with a guy and get jealous when I see couples walking together and wish it were me.
Anyways… I was just wondering if any one could share how they knew they were lesbian or bi. Or even being straight if you were questioning that once as well.
Thanks!
This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.

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Hot:

Lectori Salutem! or L.S. (Greetings to the Reader!)
This is a bit of a far out blog so stay with me as it is a hapless theory I threw together in hopes that there are more people out there like me or at least looking for the same thing I am looking for. I just happen to have some followers who like my concept so I thought I’d send it out into the universe. There are those of us who believe in three sexes: a man, a woman, and a THIRD SEX to be defined in these pages. We all know a woman in this day and age to be a many and varied thing: gay, bisexual and straight, from the boardroom to the mailroom, from security in her relationships to clinging to the one she knows she should have let go long ago. Most women are usually not the aggressors in their relationships, and there is seldom equality in relationships on all levels, just as women currently have equal opportunities to rise and live self-determining lives, but it seems that the reality of that comes to fruition less than what the statement provides. Lingering acculturations continue to hobble many women within themselves and from society that floods them with mixed messages and expectations.
To prove my point, fifty-seven percent of college degrees are now earned by women. They are excelling in all fields of employment including the military, math and science, although still in minority numbers. Why is that? Are women allowing this to continue to occur or is it men who continue to control the glass ceiling? In companies where women are in control the statistic doesn’t change much either. Why do you think this is? One of the reasons may be that women are still referred to even in Webster’s Thesaurus as the following: female, lady, dame, gentlewoman, madam, madame, sen ora, beauty, belle, chick [slang], damsel, doll, gal, ingenue, lass, lassie, mademoiselle, maid, maiden, miss, senorita – five of which would seem complimentary in this country, the other four in other countries and the rest are crass where ever you may be and this is in 2009 and only one is considered slang.

Along another line, women are going to greater lengths to please their mates with plastic surgery to increase their bust line, now something a child dreams of right along with their wedding day as a new trend that the male population has added to it’s list of demands. Sure, most women believe it is their choice but when it has started with the idea planted in your brain before you are even fully developed yourself and then payed for by your special someone, I think the charade has gone a bit too far. It is not for you because the only thing women do for themselves to make improvements is for the envy and jealousy of their friends. Your friends are not into your boobs so this one you cannot wave off like extensions, a great mani/pedi, or a little work done around the eyes – your straight friends may only resent you for them because now the pressure from their husband comes to get the same procedure when they are happy with things the way they are!
So the ideal woman has changed a bit since the Billy Joel song, Modern Woman: “You see her sitting with her coffee and her paper; With her high top sneakers of italian design; With a long cool stare she aggravates the tension; Makes up her face while she makes up her mind“. Don’t worry, it will be one of the Songs Of The Day.
What about the ideal man? He never was such a catch when you look at him through today’s goggles. He worked, put a roof over his family’s head, and food on the table. He provided.He also required his wife to be home all day with the kids, cleaning the house, dinner on the table by 6 P.M. with no talk of your day, just a drink in hand ready to listen to his. His college days and yours if you were lucky enough to go back then and learn about the world you would never inhabit and the dreams of your life that would never come true, it would make life just a little more unbearable but the light of your days were the beautiful children you could talk to of the lessons of life you learned in those books you read and only hope that they would have a better life. Thank God this was the life of your grandmother and possibly your mother and not yours. Feminism is no longer a dirty word and college is now an equal opportunity employer with women doing as well or more often than not better than their male counterparts.
The new man grew out of these campuses and towns where working women were rampant. They would have to learn to work beside them and sometimes as their employees with grace or be fired under the new laws protecting discrimination in the workplace. The really awful men had to learn their lessons the hard way. Others found the new woman sexy and vibrant but were still hoping that the marriage and kidswould change everything and in some cases it did. Others with this same wish thatdidn’t work out found themselves in divorce court. These new men were not as flexibleas they first appeared and they were extremely competitive with the women in their companies resorting to rumors and sabotage that didn’t think was in them. They neverrevealed this side of themselves to their loving wives, some of whom were friends with the women he was competing with.
Through all this compromising of souls on both sides of the gender fence a new sex arose to set the example and the tone and many jumped ship from the old stereotypes to join the THIRD SEX. It is both male and female, gay and straight, bisexual too. The first criteria for this new sex is that all genders and sexual identities have to transcend their previously societal assigned roles. There are no preconceived notions allowed in the THIRD SEX. In the workplace, everyone is equal. The person, no matter whether the wereinvolved with this THIRD SEX, will be treated equally in the workplace and allpromotions will be based on merit only – no seniority, affiliation, nepotism, or gender.Other than that, the THIRD SEX has nothing to do with work.
People of the THIRD SEX care about other people and especially the one they are with to the extent that nothing is expected in return for the kindness, generosity, and loveshown from one person to another. When two people begin a journey of love together, it is a blending of their two cultures that existed in each other’s lives – of everyone they have ever met before so they can create a true partnership anew. They will just feel thatfeeling of melding of the spiritual, the philosophical, the intellectual, and the emotionalon a physical level.

All of their shared experiences are always heightened experiences.
The material world and the physical plane become one while all things coveted shift and come into focus and the exist only in how they can further the journey both members of the THIRD SEX are on. NOTE: A member of the THIRD SEX can fall in love with anyone and bring them on this journey. This is not to say the material world falls away. We stillwork, have jobs to live our dreams of pleasure and utopia in these relationships of equal and glorious love for one another as solemn vows between two joined however they see fit.
Sexuality is fluid an connects with each other on every level and is an art form between two in the divine. As two focus on each other and become one they become all that exists in the realm for their time. The art of kissing is a lost art, one that men and women have forgotten it’s power. Dive into each other and explore your inner consciousness and see what you can find and if you can restrain yourselves long enough for your oneness to be felt from head to toe. Then you will know you are the THIRD SEX and life is yours for the taking.
Much Love.
Inspired By Sappho’s Muse
QUOTES OF THE DAY
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Maya AngelouSimilar Posts:

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